Mana Dissociation Read online

  “This is a little open for this kind of discussion, don’t you think?” She murmured attempting to place herself between Aiden and me, “Do we need to book a conference room to discuss this? Maybe get Emily involved?”

  Aiden turned his furious glare on Karen but she was obviously made of sterner stuff than I was. She didn’t appear to be fazed by his gaze at all. In fact, if anything it seemed that he was going to back down. He took several steps back and then finally seemed to snap out of it, now suddenly recognizing that there were other people in the kitchen and he had been making a scene. I think the threat of HR really seemed to throw the wind out of his sails. He muttered something unintelligible and stormed out the Kitchen. Karen and I shared a concerned glance and that’s when I realized that something horrible had happened. When Aiden had started yelling I’d unconsciously clenched my fist on my right hand. The hand that had been holding my Kit Kat. I sighed as I felt the chocolate crumbling through the wrapper again. I’d have floating bits of wafer in my coffee yet again.

  “For the record,” I whispered, stunned, “I don’t think he’s cute anymore.”

  Karen didn’t turn to look at me. She was still looking at Aiden’s retreating figure as he made his way back over to the development cubicles. I silently finished preparing my coffee trying desperately not to cry in front of everybody, depositing my Kit Kat Crumble into the cup and made my way over to Customer Service. One of the good things about my role is that if I needed to I could put my headset on, turn on some music and answer emails without having to interact with anyone else. Sometimes I could go for a whole morning without having to interact with a single person.

  I hastily wiped away a tear from the corner of my eye. No way was I going to let that betray me. If I started now, then I’d be bawling in a few minutes and I wasn’t going to let that happen. I grunted as I pinched my knee trying to focus on anything else other than the unwarranted abuse I’d just received.

  I didn’t want to think about it. I knew that would lead to tears, but my traitorous mind kept going over the interaction from every possible angle - trying to figure out what I had done wrong to deserve it.

  My coffee sat untouched on my desk as I stared angrily into the screen in front of me. I would have given anything to be able to focus on anything else, but my subconscious wasn’t having any of it. I felt bad that he was upset about this, but that was hardly my fault. I hadn’t known. Anyone else should have been ecstatic about the trip. That was the normal reaction right? Hell, that was my reaction. This was an opportunity of a life time. Why couldn’t he see that? Who the hell does he think he is? Yelling at me like that? Damned stupid jerk!

  Once again my traitorous tear ducts attempted to betray me again however this time I was far too angry to allow that to happen. I again wiped my face on my sleeves to remove any tell-tale sign of tears and angrily slurped my coffee. Big mistake.

  As the scalding hot coffee poured down my throat I reflected that taking an angry gulp of a piping hot drink is not a good thing. I gasped and let out a strangled sob as it felt like the coffee was burning off the insides of the esophagus. I could see Curtis peering over the cubicle wall but I waved him off with a strangled laugh as the humor the situation finally dawned on me.

  I giggled helplessly as I attempted to clean the stains from my shirt. I shouldn’t have worn a white blouse. The coffee stain on the front was very noticeable. This however just seemed to make the whole thing even funnier.

  “You all right?” Curtis called over the cubicle wall.

  “Yeah,” I gasped back between breaths, “Coffee was hot.”

  “Well, duh,” came the reply.

  If I was lucky he’d chalk the whole thing up to me scalding myself with my morning coffee.

  * * * * * *

  “Got a minute?” Karen chirped over my cubicle wall.

  “Sure,” I said as I quickly just finished off a hastily replied email.

  “I’ve spoken to the Development Manager about Aiden,” She began.

  “Oh?”

  I had a sense of dread as to where this was going.

  I really didn’t want what happened this morning going any further than it already had.

  “Yeah,” Karen replied softly, “Unfortunately, he thinks that it’s a good choice. Apparently Aiden has never gone on any of the external visits, despite being frequently offered positions. He’s even passed up offers of promotion that required travel.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah, well. I kept things quiet as to why I was asking,” Karen continued, “I figured that you’d probably not want to make a big deal out of any of this after this morning.”

  “Thank you,” I said gratefully.

  “The downside is, though, I think we might be stuck with him, I don’t want to make a big deal about this and management is now also saying he’s certified to do the hardware, so we don’t need to send a tech guy. If he wasn’t such a good programmer we wouldn’t be in this mess.,” Karen sighed, “I can’t see any other way out of it now. I hope this works out. I’ve really gone out on a limb on this one.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I murmured. I hadn’t meant for any of this to happen. I’d just spoken without really thinking about it.

  “It’s okay.” Karen said wryly, “Just make sure you’re on your game when we get to London. One screw up I can handle, but two would make things difficult.”

  I could tell from her tone that she was just playing around, but the reality of the situation did hit home. This wasn’t like my usual duties. This would be different? Could I do this? A hundred doubts and fears rampaged through my mind before I managed to get them back under control. I could do this. I was a professional. Everything would be fine.

  Karen wandered off back to her office and I took the opportunity to head to the bathroom. There were rare moments when the phones weren’t ringing or while we weren’t booked in to do webinars – these moments were bathroom moments. The last thing you wanted was to need to go pee, but couldn’t because you had a customer on the line. Fortunately, I didn’t have much trouble in that area and could hold my bladder for some length of time with only minor discomfort. Other’s in the team weren’t so lucky. I had just emerged from the bathroom when I heard a soft voice beckoning at me from the elevator that lead to the ground floor. Aiden.

  Aiden made several waving motions for me to come into the elevator with him. I had several seconds of doubt as a hundred stupid scenarios ran through my head. Was he going to kill me in there? I’d heard about serial killers and it was usually the quiet ones. The ones that no one expects.

  Was he going to yell at me again? If so, he was going to be in for a surprise this time. I’d yell at him right back. The stupid jerk! It wouldn’t be like I’d be caught flat footed again. I took a deep breath and made my way over the elevator. My mind was already going over what I was going to say to him. I was going to tell him just what I thought of him.

  Unfortunately for me, it didn’t quite go down that way. Aiden stood in silence for a few seconds before murmuring, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you earlier. I was surprised and I lost my temper. I’m sorry. I’m not very good at talking to people.”

  It took me several more seconds before I managed to decode what he had said. He hadn’t raised his head when he had spoken. If we weren’t in an enclosed space I never would have even heard what he had said. I’d never actually been this close to him and the enclosed space of the elevator wasn’t helping. A tingling feeling was trailing down my spine and my whole body seemed to develop goosebumps. Damnit! Maybe Karen was right and I did have feelings for him. That would be incredibly difficult for me - not to mention horribly unprofessional.

  Actually what the hell did that say about me? Getting all hot and flustered at someone who had just yelled at me? That was sick! I hurriedly tried to put the thought out of my mind.

  “Uhh, okay,” I murmured still unsure and trying to get control of myself.

  “It’s just that I d
on’t like to travel,” he continued “I really don’t like it.”

  “Oh, I didn’t know.”

  This was sounding lame even to my ears.

  “Now they’re saying that I have to go,” he continued, “I just want to do my work, you know? I don’t want this.”

  “It’s just for a month,” I tried, “you might even enjoy it.”

  “I can’t do it,” He murmured, his shoulders sagging in defeat, “Do you think you could ask them to send someone else?”

  I gritted my teeth. I’d love to do that, but after my conversation with Karen I didn’t think that was on the cards.

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t think so.” I replied softly.

  It took several seconds before he responded and I was sure that if I could have seen his eyes I would have seen them narrow with anger. For a second I feared another angry outburst, but he seemed to get himself back under control. He didn’t bother to reply though.

  “I don’t think there’s much I can do about it now. Management seem to have made their decision,” I continued, “I really am sorry though.”

  “It’s okay,” he sighed dejectedly, giving me the feeling that I’d just kicked a dog.

  “I should quit,” he murmured softly.

  “No!” I urged, “Don’t do that! That’s crazy!”

  “I can’t do this,” he sighed, staring deep into my eyes through his mirrored sunglasses so that my own pupils were reflected straight back at me.

  It was unnerving. In fact this whole situation including the shivers that were now playing havoc with my nervous system were freaking me out. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t want Aiden to quit over this. Why the hell did he feel that he needed to jump straight to that?

  “I’ll talk to Karen,” I promised, “maybe we can work something out. I’ll help you through it!”

  “Help me?”

  His words sounded disjointed as if he hadn’t thought that this was a possibility.

  “Sure! It’s only a month. We can get you through it.”

  “Promise me?”

  “Definitely,” I said in a manner of fact tone. I could do this.

  I had no idea what his problem was and I suppose that I probably should have directly asked. However, I didn’t do that. Stupid huh? Instead I came up with hundreds of other reasons as to why he might take such an extreme reaction. Maybe it was some form of super-homesickness or fear of flying? Maybe just extreme social anxiety – that would at least explain the sunglasses. It was his way of keeping the world at a distance. That made sense at least. Oh Boy, that psychology course I took at college was certainly paying for itself. The truth was that I wasn’t prepared for anything like this and I was way out of my depth.

  “Okay,” he sighed softly as if he had just come to a decision, “I’ll just try to be subtle about it. Maybe we’ll be fine.”

  Subtle about it? That was an odd choice of phrase. What the hell did he mean by that? If I’d been thinking more clearly I might have drawn some conclusions from his wording and saved myself a whole heap of grief later down the line, but how was I to know what he was talking about? How could I possibly have guessed the horrible secret that he was hiding. The truth is that I couldn’t have, but that doesn’t mean I can’t blame myself for not trying.

  * * * * * *

  The next few weeks passed without much comment. I finished any work that I needed to complete and moved some of my customers over to Curtis and the rest of the customer support team. The customer service manager had made my life difficult by demanding that most of my workload be finished before I leave. The big red mark in my calendar indicating the flight across the Atlantic seemed to dominate my whole calendar. True to her word I received notification from HR that my flight and accommodation had been booked. Karen had gone across early and was already with the client so Aiden and I that were travelling together. Great, a long flight stuck with him in another enclosed environment. Hopefully, I could get my feelings under control. The last thing I wanted to do was to make a fool of myself any further.

  Over that time, I must have packed every article of clothing that I own into my tiny suitcase and then unpacked it. I quickly came to the conclusion that the clothes weren’t a problem – they packed relatively neatly. It was the shoes that were the problem. They seemed to take up far too much space. How was that fair? I briefly wondered if I would have able to take a second suitcase just filled with shoes? That seemed excessive but I was having a hard time deciding on which ones to leave behind.

  I eventually managed to come to a balanced mix of business clothes, personal clothes and shoes and what’s more the suitcase actually shut properly. That was a good start.

  The flight that we had been booked on was horribly early so I opted not to sleep that night. I stayed up watching movies with Mochi. This seemed to be as good a way as any to say goodbye for the next few weeks. Mochi didn’t seem to feel as strongly about the importance of this as I did, but that’s cats for you.

  I was already waiting by the door with my suitcase already in hand when the alarm went off to tell that I needed to go to the airport. It was possible that I had over prepared for this. I gave the cat a quick scratch around the ears and quick kiss on the forehead before heading through the door. Work had arranged for a car to pick me up which was all very special. I felt like I was some VIP being led to a concert or something.

  The driver wasn’t wearing one of those hats, but the car was very fancy indeed. I’d expected that they’d just shell out for a taxi, but this was much, much better. The trip to the airport seemed to take no time at all and it wasn’t long before I was stepping out of the car and into the airport departure terminal.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  I’d almost hoped that Aiden wouldn’t show at the airport and that I’d end up travelling alone, but I found him waiting for me close to where the car had dropped me off out the front. He looked very different in jeans and t-shirt rather than a suit, though he was still wearing those silly sunglasses. It looked even more strange considering that the sun was barely peaking over the horizon, but I think he would have looked even more odd had he not been wearing them.

  I waved over to him and attempted to strong arm my luggage into the airport. Fortunately, Aiden seemed to know what to do as he directed us to check-in and drop off our bags and through the myriad other rituals that one needs to perform to get through to the departure lounges. I remember thinking that this was odd. If he didn’t like travelling so much, why did he know what he was doing so well? I didn’t comment though. After all, the process was difficult enough as it was. I’d hate to think what it would have been like had I been trying to muddle through on my own. My plan of staying up all night hadn’t really been that well thought through and I was having trouble staying focused. In the end it was fortunate that Aiden had been there as without his help I wasn’t sure that I would have been able to navigate my way through airport security in my sleep addled state.

  “Our flight departs in about two hours.” Aiden commented as our luggage disappeared through a hole in the wall carried by conveyer belt and was delivered, I hoped, to our airplane. I wasn’t sure how far I trusted that though. Wasn’t that one of the common complaints about flying? That your luggage is sent to the wrong city? I had some really nice clothes that I’d purchased just for this trip. It would be a shame if I never got to wear them.

  “Great! Coffee time!” I enthused as I made my way over to what I assumed was a food court. Now that we’d passed all the official parts of the airport, I was feeling much more better. I didn’t much know what to expect when I got to the airport as I’d never been in one before, but I shouldn’t have worried. It kind of looked like a shopping centre and I was comfortable in those. According to my credit card balance – too comfortable.

  I ordered my coffee and briefly glanced around. I wondered if I could find somewhere that might sell Kit Kats. I glanced at my watch – 6:30am. Hrm. It was far too early for chocolate. That would be completely br
eaking the rules. However, I hadn’t slept last night. So therefore, technically, it was still last night for me, right? That makes sense! I can’t have chocolate too early if I haven’t slept. This situation clearly wasn’t covered by the rules so it was okay to cheat. Unfortunately, the only place that seemed to sell chocolate was a newsagent and they didn’t stock Kit Kats. I’d have to go without. I wasn’t sure that the selection of chocolate that they did stock would go that well with my coffee. Damnit. This flight wasn’t going off to a good start.

  I walked away from the store while sipping the coffee dejectedly. I hadn’t expected it to be the best coffee in the world, but this was worse than I had feared. I was blinking my eyes almost constantly now, and my shoulders had a tendency to droop as if slumber was about to take me at any point. Perhaps staying up all night really hadn’t been the brightest move? The coffee helped enormously in keeping me awake, but I was still desperate to sleep. I’d never coped that well without sleep. Exam periods had always been torturous for this reason. The only good side of all this was that I was so tired that I was guaranteed to sleep on the plane.

  The next two hours seemed to pass in seconds. One minute I was sitting down sipping my coffee and the next Aiden was tugging on my arm telling me that it was time to board the plane. He led me through the departure lounge and onto the little air bridge that led onto the plane. We were directed to our seats by a smiling stewardess who checked our tickets and waved us down the aisle towards our seats. She was wearing far too much makeup and her smile seemed be almost a rictus grin that was permanently attached to the front of her head. Her eyes didn’t share the joy that her smile seemed indicate that she received in helping passengers to find their seats. All in all, the whole look was a little off putting. It was like being ordered about by a moving mannequin.